Depression and Suicide // A "regular" person's thoughts

Since the death of Robin Williams three days ago, the country (maybe the world) has been on "super depression and suicide awareness" -- or at least my facebook friends have. Everyone's been posting articles about Robin and depression and suicide and whatnot. It seems that my page has been bombarded with them.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where depression and suicide are all too real. But I hate how it takes the death of a celebrity to finally bring these things to the spotlight. Depression, at least for me, has been very real in my life for about a little over a year now. But not because I have depression (aside from a smidgen of seasonal I got this winter).

Within the past year, five out of my closet eight friends have been diagnosed with clinical depression. It happened so fast, that I started to think it was some contagious disease that I was going to catch. Needless to say, I didn't. But that's the thing about depression. It demands to be noticed. And that's where I think suicide comes.

Well, okay that's not entirely true. I've heard it described this way: depression is like your sinking into darkness until you can't see any light anywhere and you try to find it but you just can't, so suicide seems like the only answer.

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This past october, one of the five tried to commit suicide. Of course, that's the one week of the entire year I happened to be on the other side of the country. I remember it like it was yesterday. He texted me, saying he was hospitalized, and I just started to freak out. There was literally nothing that I could do but continue to text him (my family was a smidgen angry, seeing how it was a family vacation).
What I finally got out of him was the he had taken some pain killers. And, by some, I mean upwards of 100.

That's a hella pain killers.

He claimed that his stomach was burning, and that when he finally managed to convince his parents that something was wrong, the doctor said he was close to dying. It was scary as fuck, but we managed to pull through. And, even though we still fight, we're still pretty good friends.

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This past year, in my AP (of sorts) English class read Hamlet by William Shakespeare. If you haven't read it, you uncultured swin- I mean, you should.

Hamlet is depressed, plain and simple. Well, as simple as depression gets. At one point, Hamlet contemplates suicide (ah! spoilers!). However, the whole scene, and the whole play really, was real for me.

Now, Hamlet has a best friend named Horatio, who is always there for him. I started referring to myself as Horatio. In fact, when it came time to write our open-ended reflections to Hamlet, I titled my essay "A version of Shakespeare in which I am Horatio? It's called my life."

I'm not going to bore with you with whole essay, but I thought I'd share a piece of it with you (so bear with me).

      I understand Horatio because we are one in the same; Hamlet is my favorite character because he’s like so many of my friends. I’m the friend who is always there to lend an ear, a set of open arms, or a smile on a bad day. Shakespeare didn’t have to push me to think about what would happen if one of my friends committed suicide, I’ve lived it. Shakespeare put all of my thoughts and concerns into words, and that’s why this play connected with me. That’s why everyone should read this and why it will be read for years to come. I can’t imagine a world without Shakespeare telling us what it’s like to live on both sides of that horror.      Hamlet will teach our generation that suicide isn’t the answer. Even though the pain may be great, there are always going to be Horatio’s that will save lives -- I know I have saved at least a few. This book shows how I want to be to other people. For some reason, I’m addicted to depressives. And you know what? That’s perfectly alright with me, as long as I can keep being Horatio to them. I think friendship is the most important thing that anything can teach our society. In a world with “facebook friends,” “twitter followers,” and more, it’s becoming more and more rare to have someone to look at your soul and all of your flaws and still want to spend time with you. It’s hard to find your Horatio in a world of cheap compliments and hard to come by truths. But if this play can teach people to be someone else’s, even if it’s just one person’s, Horatio, then I think Shakespeare has succeeded in everything that matters -- he’ll be saving lives.

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It shocked me that some people didn't like Hamlet, just like it shocked me that some people have the nerve to call suicidals "cowards", or think they can tell depressed people to look on the bright side. I've seen first hand that depression hurts -- and now the world has seen the end with Robin Williams.

I don't mean to depress you all with thoughts of suicide, nor do want to think Hamlet is the the best (although it'd be cool if you did). What I'm trying to say is to never underestimate depression. It doesn't take much: just a smile, a warm hello, or a hug, and you could be Horatio too. 

RIP Robin Williams -- John Keating will forever live in my heart,

Carly